Do you have an addiction? Do you know a love one with an addiction?
If someone comes to your mind when you read those questions you feel for them. You want to help them but at what point do you just have to give up? Not because you don’t care but because they don’t care enough to help themselves.
For me those questions bring my sons father to mind.
My sons father, we started to date in October 2007. We broke up in October 2010. My son was just 9 months old taking his first steps while his dad was out doing a line of coke. My grandpa had passed away that morning. My dad called to tell me and through the tears I told him his grandson walked for the first time. He told me well Kels I guess when one goes down, one gets up. My sons dad battled with addiction for as long as I have known him. Even as I write this he is sitting in a jail somewhere in the state of Wisconsin for what seems like the 20th time during my sons life. In 2009 after a long struggle time in the relationship filled with yelling and cheating I thought it would be a good idea to move to Florida in hopes to get him away from the small town drugs and drinking. Little did I know at a young age that drugs were just as bad everywhere. In the short nine months that I was pregnant I think he cheated on me over fifteen times. He was abusive when he drank or did drugs. One night at home in Wisconsin he had broken all the working phones in the house so I couldn’t call 911. He proceeded to kick my ass in ways that I never thought a man would. Lucky for me I knew that even a non active cell phone could still call 911. The cops came and off to jail he went. I stayed even when he got out of jail I went back to him. I blame it on being young and immature, now that I am older I see it was because I thought I could help him and I really just wanted someone to love me. There was good days, great days and absolutely horrible mind blowing days. He chose drugs over his family and son. There was nothing I could do to change that. I tried my very hardest in helping him be a dad to our little boy. After time it got to be to much. I decided it was time to walk away and be better for my son and give him the life away from drug dealers and non safe places. We went to court in a very ugly custody battle after moving back to Wisconsin. He was granted every other weekend. That didn’t last long before he stopped seeing him. It has been quite a few years since my son has seen his dad and with each passing day he seems to care less and less. I am thankful for all the time that I get with my son and not having to share time has been the best part of my life.
I have been a single mom for nine years now and I wouldn’t changed it for anything. Being just him and I has been a gift from God to show me what true love is all about. My son loves me no matter on my bad days or good days. He is strong and no matter what even with set backs he remains a sweet very tall boy. My son was at my college graduation, I worked hard for him. Graduating with a 4.0 GPA was one of my best days we have shared together. Walking across that stage and to see him sitting there was really an amazing feeling. Knowing that I had been a full time student and working while raising a new born was something I will always be proud of.
There have been times when I really just wish some man would come into our lives and show us what it is like to have a complete family. To do all the dad things with him that he has missed out on. The father days at school and the hanging out on fathers day. I have waited a really long time to find someone like that. When I thought I did I was quickly reminded to it being better just him and I. We talk all the time about anything and I don’t hide things from my son. He is a very black and white human, He doesn’t like gray area and like me he likes being told the truth and people sticking to their word. He has had a rough start in the family department from birth but I will protect him for however long I can from here on out.
With all the moving we have done he has never complained. Part of me believes he loves the adventure just like I do. He loves seeing new places and exploring everything in this world. Being a parent is never easy but with the village we have created and stand behind us it has gone amazing so far.
I still care about his father and while I make it a point to never bad mouth him in front of my son, there will come a day when I have to explain to him why he isn’t around. I never want to have to tell my child his father has passed away because a needle in his arm was more important then going to treatment. I worry I will get that call someday. I have offered many times to pay for a treatment program no matter the cost but he has never taken the offer and at that point I needed to just let go and release the stress because it was no longer good for me. I knew that leaving I tried everything in my power to help him.
Life can be hard weather you have children or you don’t but in the end you need to do everything you can to keep the peace within yourself. If it means getting a hobby, talking to someone, getting on medication or even going to treatment place to get you there DO IT! Life doesn’t last that long so take advantage of all the things in this world to make each day a good one. Smile and be kind. Remember where you came from and where you are going with your head held high.
Remember I am always here to talk.