Ready

At what point in time does one become ready?

I waited 8 years to finally tell myself it is time to let someone in. 8 years before I said I love you to another human. It was a long time and a long road of finding myself and knowing what I want in life. After waiting that long and having everything I have ever wanted to it being destroyed and tearing me apart how can I even attempt to do that again? How can I not wait another 8+ years before letting someone else in? I don’t want to wait that long again but then again I don’t know if I will ever be ready again. I have met someone and he seems great, he told me we can go at my pace and take things slow. He is sweet and caring, I enjoy spending time with him but when it comes to physical contact I panic. Skyler said all the same things, how do I trust this man isn’t going to do the same? Maybe I am not ready because I am not healed from what happened, what if I never get my closure and I have endless nights of tears and fears of what my future holds.

Why do I miss a man that killed my insides? Why do I miss someone who never thought twice about how I was feeling in our home?

I don’t want people to think I am moving on to fast and then the other half of me doesn’t want to care I just want to be happy. I have rocked this mother hood thing, friend thing and family thing, There is just one piece missing in my life. I know I don’t need a man to make me happy but that isn’t what this is about. It is having someone there to enjoy life with. I want a relationship on a deeper level, I want more children and to have a home. I love working and being a mom but sometimes its hard to not have another half to enjoy the little things with.

Yet here I am missing a man that didn’t want that with me.

I want to get better, I want to be okay but I also want answers and I am not sure what is the easier task at this point.

The thought of human touch by another man makes me sick, but I don’t know if its because I only want one man to touch me or if its because I come to trust any other man because of him.

I may be strong and smile to everyone else because I am a mom and need to be but damn life has hit me hard.

I am always here for anyone even when I can’t seem to understand my own life.

Goodnight

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