Fathers day

A year ago we were shopping for the most amazing man in our lives. My son wanted to get something for the man he hoped would one day become his dad. It was my fault for bring this man into my sons life. Today my son woke up and I told him our plans for the day. With a sad look on his face he said “Well mom at least you can celebrate it”. My heart pulled knowing the pain he was going though.

Today I received news that I didn’t want to hear. As I cry endlessly in bathroom in hopes to get it out so I can put on make up and look like a normal non depressed human for today’s events. It gets to be so exhausting to smile all day long so others see you has the happy girl they once knew. It gets to be exhausting to smile all day long when all I want to do is sit home and not see anyone. I am so angry, hurt, destroyed in my heart that I don’t know where to go from here.

I think of the positives as much as I can. I got an amazing job, I went out last night with my friends and had a great time with them-I laughed, danced, played darts and talked with so many people. It was not until around midnight when this guy that continued to get close and hit on me that I panicked. Thankfully I had a great male friend there by my side that told him to leave me alone. I can’t stand the thought of another man touching me or letting him in. I am not ready and some people just don’t understand that.

I promised myself that I would never get this low again. I cant handle people just leaving out of my life. It is the worst thing in the world to me. I would break all my bones just to get rid of the pain of someone saying goodbye. When you tell someone you love them you are supposed to mean it. You are supposed to see that person grow and become everything you wanted and hoped for in them.

Some days my body just can’t take it anymore and I get lost in a dark world. Ill pull myself out, I have to I have no other choice when you have a son who loves you.

Time to suck it up, put on that smile and spend the day trapped inside my mind.

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