Since coming back to Wisconsin I have fallen into a pretty good routine everyday.

Wake up- Shower, breakfast, let the dog out, gate the dog and give him his bone, take Jaydee to the sitters, go to work, pick up the dog, pick up Jaydee, go to the dog park, dinner, put Jaydee to bed, make Ares bones for the next day, let Ares out and then off to bed.

Each day there is different other tasks- Laundry, cleaning, organizing, lots of play time for Ares, the gym, quality time with Jaydee, His showers and cleaning.

All sounds like a life of everyone else right?

Where in there do you mention the sad episodes, where do you make time to just be depressed? You can’t, in this world you are told to be strong, handle it like an adult. BULLSHIT! You have the right to be sad, You have the right to grieve the loss of a friend, family, a life you thought you had, the pain inside you needs to be felt. You are allowed to get everything out even if they don’t want to hear it. You are allowed to speak your mind.

The there comes a day when you find people that just know you. Last night I had a visitor pretty late, I was cuddled on the couch and he walks in and when I asked why he was here, he said “I knew I needed to come check on you, You just didn’t seem okay during our facetime”-Which we do everyday. We talked about his recent engagement and how I am really pushing to be the best man-I am his best friend so I feel it is only natural. He knew I was avoiding what really needed to be talked about, he let me anyways avoid it as long as possible until giving me a hug and telling me to talk about it.

At what point do you need to get rid of things? When you are ready was the answer. Every night I unfold the sweatshirt that I got on one of the worst days of my life- I unfold it and put it on my pillow and snuggle in. I feel safe, I feel like I can sleep and my mind is okay. Is it time to get rid of it along with the tags that hang above my head each night? Do I send them both back along with other stuff or do I just keep them knowing I sleep well? Is wrong to torture myself in a sense that sometimes these things brings up things that I really don’t want to think about. If only it was easy to just forget it all, not care about the answers or the whys. What a world it would be if I was born with that ability to just say Fuck it who gives a damn.

What a world this would be if I could surround myself with people who are like me, or who have the heart that I do. A world where people don’t give up on each other because things just are not ideal. People who push though and come out amazing. A world where people stand up for one another, I will never pick sides and if someone I am with doesn’t like someone I have been talking to longer then them I will tell them that if they can’t handle it, if they can’t trust me then they can leave because I don’t like losing people that have become something to me.

Everyday I think of all the positive I have in my life and each time I go longer and longer before he even crosses my mind. I am strong and I am loved. I am a mother, a friend, a daughter. I will find my missing piece one day and then I will be able to say all this was worth it.


Have a great relaxing Sunday, I know we are going to!

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