I am such a need to know why person and visualization helps me in situations.

Today is one of those rough days- no reason, no situation set it off but they happen. If something is explained to me I get over it so much quicker. When everything was happening what drove me to my lowest point is because I couldn’t picture how the things happened. When I asked the questions I got the I don’t know answers.

If it was explained to me the hows, The Who’s, the when’s- I would be in a lot better of a place.

When did you ask her to marry you? How did you? Why did you? Where did you?

Those things help me and it sucks when you have someone who doesn’t want to help you understand. Someone who wants to be secret and maybe it’s because it wasn’t ideal. Maybe I just wasn’t a thought period or my son and just doesn’t care to help me.

It’s weird I know- people, friends, family tell me how weird it is that I want to know the details, that I want to know. To me that doesn’t hurt me more it helps me heal. I don’t do well with the unknown, I don’t handle only knowing half of a story.

Unfortunately not everyone is like me, not everyone has the heart to be an adult and talk.

When I have a friend brag about talking to a man that has a girlfriend or even a on and off girlfriend it seriously makes me sick. I get physically ill thinking about them doing that. What woman can do that without even thinking to ask the other girl what is going on. How a man can even play both sides. Maybe because it was done to me and Nicole didn’t care enough to ask me what was going on when he lived with me and my son. She didn’t care because she was getting what she always wanted. It’s sad to think that people only think about themselves. It makes me ill to think about the lies that were told to hide her. It makes me ill that I was so stupid to see only the good in him. That I loved a person to the point I couldn’t believe that he would ever hurt me. I thought he was the greatest human and loved Jaydee and I so much that he would never to something like that. So when I have that thought of him trying to process what he really did is hard when I don’t have answers.

I know I will never get them and each day I am doing better with the forgetting. We all have bad days you just have to push through and know that one day all that will be worth it.

Have a wonderful Wednesday everyone!

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