Everyday I wake up and look at myself.
I am now in X-small pants, I wear small to X-small shirts. I have been avoiding going to get a new swim suit for my vacation. Every time I see someone from my past that tell me how good I look. How happy I look. They ask how I went from a size 13/15 to a size 4. They ask if I worked out, if I eat healthy, or just plain what my secret is.
I tell them I am not really sure how it happened. I do eat healthy, I quit smoking and mainly drink water. What I should be saying is I lost myself. I fell into a depression and couldn’t bare to eat without getting sick. I lost babies and lost my mind. I should tell them that every time they tell me I look good that I hold my breath because when I look at myself in the morning I go back to when he told me I needed to go to the gym. When I look at myself I still feel and look fat. I go to the gym, I use the stairs at work, I play volleyball every Thursday. I weigh myself 2-3 times a day to make sure I have not gone over 145 or coming close to it.
I try to change my mind and think of the good times, the zoo, family visits, laughing in bed, just spending time together. I try to not only think of the ending and how it all went down. I try to push her out of my head and pretend like she doesn’t exist. I try to be positive and find the meaning in it all. What if I never get over him. What if I never find something to compare it to. I avoid the song what ifs because I felt like it was our song. The song that gave me so much hope that it was going to be everything I ever dreamed of.
Music is a big part of my life and no matter my feelings I can find a song to go with them. There are songs that I used to love that I cannot bring myself to listen to. Songs that hit my core and can make me cry in a second. I have always had a great relationship with music, it has helped though some of the hardest days of my life but sometimes lately I can’t bring myself to listen to it because I am afraid a song I have been avoiding will come on.
Your mind is a powerful thing that sometimes it is hard to overcome the thoughts that play over and over again. Some days I feel so stupid that I am still months later hurt by it all, but I think that is because I never got the closure I needed. I am afraid years from now I will still be asking the same questions. They say pain is temporary and that the storm will pass but I really believe that if you love someone as much as I did, it isn’t going to pass.
Some will tell me I didn’t know him long enough to love him, Some will say that I never saw the real him because he never loved me he just acted like he did. Some say he just used me for a good time for some sick reason. I know what I felt because he wasn’t someone I pictured growing up that I would want to spend the rest of my life with. Even from the start I wasn’t sure, but slowly I fell in love. It was all the little things that got me each day. It was moments that have stuck in my mind that makes my heart beat a little faster. I don’t understand sometimes how this world can be so harsh, to get me to the point of letting someone in again to mine and my sons life and in the end being the one hurt. I may never understand the actions of them and as time is passing by I am really trying to learn that if the actions matched the words in any way maybe we wouldn’t be strangers now. Actions speak way more then words and I need to focus on that then the words that ever came out.
Having this site has really helped me to get things out and I encourage others to do the same. The messages I get are so inspiring and I am glad that I get to speak and help others all over the world.
Tomorrow is FRIDAY and I hope everyone has a great night!