Tomorrow I am headed across the country for a family vacation. Now I know what you are thinking-HOW EXCITING AND FUN that will be. Well you are right for the most part.
Tomorrow I will wake up and take my dog to the boarding place that I am on the inside freaking out about but I know deep down he will be okay. I am excited for the vacation, to relax on the beach, to check something off my bucket list, to spend lots of time with the nieces and nephew, to take my son to the state he has been dying to go to. I am excited for all of that. What I am not excited for is telling the same story over and over again that I know my extended family is going to ask. What happened in Arizona, Why are you no longer together?
The last time I saw them I told them all the amazing things going on in my life. I told them how I couldn’t wait for them to meet the man that completed our family. I told them how great he was in every way. Explained his job, where he came from, how he was with Jaydee, how much I loved having a home with him. Now I have to explain how it was destroyed. How our family is no longer whole, along with the thousand other questions that I am sure will come along with it. I thought long and hard about just writing out cards and handing them out so I didn’t have to talk about it. Seems simple enough to just write it all down and be done with it. I have thought long and hard how each time the conversations come up how I am going to occupy Jaydee’s time so he doesn’t have to hear it.
The other day I walked into his room and told him how I had a surprise coming for him, I thought for sure he would say Aiden right away because he misses him so much but he didn’t. He said “Skyler is coming!!” I had to sit down again with what seems like the millionth time and explain to him that he is never coming back and that he needs to know that. He was then excited that his best friend was coming over to see him.
Each time that this happens I feel like I failed my son in ways that I never thought I would do. Each time my heart seems to tear a little bit more, I honestly don’t know how much of heart is still left in my body. I have tried so hard to protect him that I seem to be doing worse then I am good.
I tried my best to protect him from my own birth giver. I tried to help her behind closed doors so that he would never feel left behind in her life. I couldn’t, but I tried so hard. She messaged my father the other day saying that if i didn’t answer her messages and calls she was going to call CPS in Arizona to do a welfare check. It brought me back to the time he told me he was going to because I was telling his mom “BULLSHIT” which in turn came out as the truth. Its sad that she doesn’t even know where I live. The person who gave me life doesn’t even know at this point in time that I am in fact not more then a hour away.
I never thought writing this blog was ever going to help, but each day that I do and I get a little more out I start to see what I didn’t want to believe. I start to register all the things that have happened in my life in a new way. I stop making excuses for the things that have happened. I stop hating, holding grudges, crying, holding it in. I start to see the true humans behind the masks. The good no longer out weighs the bad because it continues to happen. If any of them were truly sorry they would have made it better by now. If any of them truly cared, truly loved they would have helped in some way other then just leaving without closure. They think about themselves and that is it. They don’t sit up at night wondering where it went wrong. They don’t think about me and Jaydee during the day or at odd times. They don’t wonder how we are or what is going on because if they did they would ask, they would call, write, text, anything. They wouldn’t just disappear knowing what our lives have been like.
I know time will heal me. I know that each day I have to let it run its course and move on because that is what is going to heal me. I know I will never get answers or the love I needed. I know that he will never come back because even if he did I know I would say yes and that just isn’t how my life plays out. I made him grow up for someone else. I seem to have a real skill for that.
This week I will have to explain over and over again what happened but this time I have prepared myself. I won’t cry, I won’t let it ruin my vacation. I will deal with the questions as they hit me and they will take what I give them. I still to this day won’t bad mouth him. I won’t sit there and say horrible things. I will explain what happened like normal and move on from it.
Opening up my heart was one of the hardest things I have done since William died and I know now to never do it again. I have to deal with the consequences of choosing to do something that I swore to myself I would never do again. I know now to not listen to my heart but listen to my mind and gut because they always seem to be right.
So let vacation and fun begin!