There is no Arizona

He promised her a new and better life out in Arizona
Underneath the blue neverending sky, swore that he was gonna
Get things in order he’d send for her
When he left her behind, it never crossed her mind
There is no Arizona
No painted desert, no Sedona
If there was a Grand Canyon
She could fill it up with the lies he’s told her
But they don’t exist, those dreams he sold her
She’ll wake up and find
There is no Arizona
She got a postcard with no return address postmarked Tombstone
It said, I don’t know where I’m goin’ next, but when I do I’ll let you know
May, June, July, she wonders why
She’s still waiting, she’ll keep waiting ’cause
There is no Arizona
No painted desert, no Sedona
If there was a Grand Canyon
She could fill it up with the lies he’s told her
But they don’t exist, those dreams he sold her
She’ll get there and find
There is no Arizona
Each day the sun sets into the west
Her heart sinks lower in her chest
And friends keep asking when she’s going
Finally she tells them, don’t you know
There is no Arizona
No painted desert, no Sedona
If there was a Grand Canyon
She could fill it up with the lies he’s told her
But they don’t exist, those dreams he sold her
She’ll get there and find
There is no Arizona

You see that picture? That is me being completely happy in the moment on the ocean. I belong near water, I belong in the water as much as I can be.

Five minutes after taking that picture Jaydee came running up to me and said “Mom I wish my dad or Skyler were here to play with me like Willows dad is”. I sank and my dad looked at me and said “He is growing up without a dad and we won’t know how it will effect him until he is older, but you have to do the best you can Kels”.

Under that picture is a song that my cousin played for me. Like myself Luke loves music and said you need to listen to this. He said you don’t need to forget how much you grew in Arizona but you can move on and There is no Arizona.

Some days I am angry, some days I want to write the both of them to let it all out. Tell all the truth because it eats me alive. I want a reason, a why. I want to find my smile, my laugh. I want to talk to him about the babies and the life I wanted. I want to know why two people could do what they did. How they could smile on that day and not give a shit about anyone!

I get over the angry part pretty quick and I snap back to the life I have. I have a great job, family, son, friends, dog and home. One day I will know why and I’ll settle. For now as always I roll through the emotions as they come and become a better version of myself. I will never in my life treat someone as they have and I pride myself in being a good person. No one will make me a bitter human and because of that I’ll be happier in the long run.

I hope everyone has a great Friday!

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