Dear mom I thought I would have,
Let’s start from your visit. He was amazing and great that week. I never expected what was about to come, to actually happen. In December when I lost the baby and he could have cared less was when I should have left. The day I told him we talked was not how it should have come out. To this day I don’t know what he told you but he looked me dead in the eye knowing everything about my mother and how grateful I was to have you told me how you said you would rather see him with Her then me. I lost it. The pain I felt to my core was unbearable. I couldn’t breath and through my tears I told him that couldn’t be true because you have been helping me. He promised me he would never bring it up to you. That promise was also a lie.
In January when that horrible day happened. It happened because he was sleeping with me. He was leaving on the weekends alone he would say to think and would come back to tell me he loved me and cared about me and their love just wasn’t the same like in high school. My friend got mad because I was so confused and I knew I just wanted him in our lives. I knew all the hurt that I could still love him. She called and texted her in hopes that he would stop hurting me. I did call the base in hopes someone anyone would talk to him and tell him what he was doing was not okay. I didn’t know what to do I wasn’t aloud to call you. I wasn’t aloud to talk to you and have you help. I wanted to die so bad to stop everything that was happening. Then you messaged me and I knew the way you talked to me that he lied to you. To tell me I didn’t have the right to do what I was doing when I in fact did not contact her but to tell me I didn’t have right to protect myself was wrong. To silence me instead of asking what was going on. I know she was in Michigan for New Years. Is that when you found out they were getting married? To say there was no right like she didn’t or doesn’t deserve to know? He openly admitted in court he lied on that protection order. Little did I know he was married. After I came back to the house and weeks went by we opened up, we talked more. However it didn’t get better. He continued to tell me how he had this Delusion of what their love was. He never would answer any of questions but in turn would laugh with me and tell me how he wanted this all along to sit and just have fun. It depended on the day with him weather it was they have plans for her to move to Florida when he gets back or who knows if it will work. He said he knows a divorce is in his future but he also said she is good to him and he is happy. The more I cried the more his mood changed. When he would leave on the weekends I would settle into a routine becoming happy and when he would return to see me happy he would back down and say things or do things to confuse my mind all over again.
I love him I truly do but the pain he has caused without thinking twice is not something that will go away. The fact that he told Jaydee we would all have the same last name one day when I wanted to go change his name to mine is a day my son will never forget. Jaydee told me that he wished on a coin and threw it in a well that he would never leave and he would have a happy life with a mom and a dad. My heart ripped apart thinking about how he went and married someone else while living with two people who wanted nothing more from him then a family.
I do have questions that I know I will never get the answers to. Did you encourage the marriage? Did you know the pain we were feeling? Did you really not want him with me and she’s better? Did you know I was crying myself to sleep because my son was in pain at the choice I made to love your son?
I own half a truck that I will never see again. I have a dog that he wanted. We will never see the dog he took away from all of us because he was put down without allowing me to help. I had to fix a house and clean a room because he didn’t care enough before he left to do anything.
I did everything for him. Stayed up late to ask about his day. Took him food to work whenever I could. Cleaned the house and cooked for him. Did his chores outside because he was to busy going to California. I was here and my son was here. Played games and goofed around. Lost my mother, babies and myself and she, she got to marry him.
I never meant to do wrong by him. I never could hurt him and I never want to hurt him. I just wanted him to care enough to tell me why. I love him when he is the person I know he can be. I love the person that was here during your visit. I love that person and all he has to offer. His flaws, his dreams, his goals and his past.
I am sorry. I am sorry if you think bad of me, I am sorry if you think I was ever in the wrong. I am sorry that you were put in the middle. Most of all I am sorry you didn’t have the courage to ask me what was going on. I am sorry your son was hiding things from you. Most of all I am sorry for loving him.
I hope and pray you see him grow into a man. I hope and pray he remains the man we saw together that week. I pray the absolute best for him and the rest of his life. I hope he gets everything he has always wanted and becomes a great father one day.
I wish you guys all the happiness in this world.
The person who needed you