Bonus

I couldn’t agree with this more. I was happy, I loved my life and all I had built all on my own. I raised my son to be amazing and do great things. I loved myself and where I was at in life.

I wasn’t looking for him. He came into our lives by chance. I didn’t need him. I handled anything that came at me in life with grace and I was confident in myself and the life I living. He came as a bonus. He was ok with me not going back to work in the first few months of living together. I got to spend the summer with my son and being home everyday. I spent the money I had to move into our house. I bought a expensive bed that we would share. Slowly it was time for me to go back to work because who ever knew where all his money went. I still handled that with grace.

As time goes on I feel more and more like I was used. Used for a body to come home to at night. A body to clean, cook and remember the important things. I feel used that I was a maid, a roommate, someone to sleep with then I was a girlfriend. I had my bad days when he didn’t seem to care how I was feeling. Even after he started seeing her I felt the same. He got to go have fun while I still took care of a house that no longer felt like a home.

I am at a point where I don’t know what side to believe. Do I believe we just weren’t meant and all his actions spoke louder then I wanted to hear? The dozens of lies that were told day in and day out. Do I believe he truly did love me and didn’t know how to handle the family life?

How does one do what he did to someone? I know I am not the first to go through this and I know sadly I won’t be the last in this world. Maybe it hurts more because I came to want it more then anything. I asked him to wear a promise ring because I have huge trust issues and now to think when he said no I should have known.

I think I feel the most stupid that I didn’t stand my ground when he got defensive about other females. I should have known when that phone never left his hands. I should have known but for some reason I didn’t.

If it was a perfect world we would be friends, we would talk and put it all behind us. That was one of the lies he told. That he wanted to stay friends but just like the relationship he couldn’t give me time to adjust. I went from eight years of being alone to figuring out how to be a girlfriend but he didn’t give me the time to trust him.

My loyalty has never changed with anyone in my life, if someone needs something no matter the hurt they caused I would be there to help.

It’s crazy to think out of the millions that live in this world that I still feel hurt, betrayed, used by one person. It’s amazing that he had sure a powerful impact on my life, on my sons life that changed the course of my life or I should say our lives. It makes me think how many females he has said I love you too. It makes me think how he broke up with others, the same way? Was there someone hurting right before me? Are there other kids out there missing him? Are there other females crying at night? We never talked about that stuff, I was way more open about my past then he was. Maybe that’s why maybe I wasn’t the first but one of many.

I would have stayed loyal when he deployed, I would have moved to the next base with him. I would have done what any human who loved someone else would do. I would have done those things for my son because he was the happiest I have ever seen him when he would talk about him. My mind never wondered to another man when I was with him, I just wish I could say the same for him.

As my vacation comes to a end I feel like I have gotten some emotions out in this house tucked on the side of a mountain. I have a grown a bit and when I return home maybe I’ll start to have better nights.

Hope everyone’s week is going great!

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