No longer worth the fight

The white dog came into our lives a year ago today. I can’t even remember what we named him but he was only with us for 24 hours. He had some clear medical problems and I personally just didn’t want that mainly because I didn’t want another dog.

With this being a year ago that means Ares came into our lives shortly after. I have said many times I didn’t want another dog but I made a choice to make him happy instead of me. Which is how our whole time being together went. I have my days, like yesterday I cried probably about 95% of the day- no reason my dad blames hormones I blame pain.

Looking at this picture of Zeus also makes me miss him more. While I know there must have been some plan to give this dog back because if we didn’t I wouldn’t have Ares and as much as I didn’t want a dog I am so happy I have Ares. Today we took him to the dog park and played for two hours. I try not to think of him as a constant reminder of my ex but somedays it comes out that way.

While I spent my day yesterday sad and emotional, today I am angry and annoyed. I wanted to say something today but I know better to keep my mouth shut instead of starting a fight that will in turn make me cry. Maybe it is hormones because wow it’s been a roller coaster. It annoys me that money would be sent and the only way I could pick it up is by a slap in the face of having to put in the Homewrecking state. The fact that is still irritates me to the core really reminds me that I’m not over it all. I want to be so bad but I can’t force it.

There are days I get up and I have the best day not a thought goes though my mind. Then there are days I don’t even want to get out of bed but I do because I am a mother and that’s what we have to do.

I love when friends send things like this to me. It is a reminder to stay true to who I am. To stay true to my morals and beliefs. To remind myself I am a good person and his actions will not change who I am. I have to remember I can be loved and someone will take the time to give me a chance to trust them. I have to remember someone will come along and when they promise me or children that they will stay that they will actually stay and be there.

There are days when I miss the hugs, the sweet tone in voice, the days when I believed in love and trusting someone, the times when someone was coming home to me, the time when I believed I was the only woman in his life. I miss the goofy, fun, playful times but then I snap back and remember it was all a big lie.

I think about how I haven’t heard his voice since our goodbye when he walked out the door in Arizona. I think about how she gets to talk to him everyday, hear his voice, see him in a FaceTime-Skype or whatever. I think about how I was replaced so easy. I think about their wedding and how I was sitting with my son trying to explain to him not to think it was his fault.

I would do anything to forget the last year plus, literally anything so if anyone has any ideas let me know!

I hope everyone has a wonderful day then my hormonal emotional mind is having!

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