Sleep.

It was a fun filled long day. Today we went out to the campground that I used to work at to go swimming. I knew that going to the campground I had the possibility of running into people from my past. I sure did of course.

While talking with some usual seasonal campers and saying hi someone form my past walked up. He works there now full time. Brandon was like a brother to me. Closer then my own brother was for years. I wanted to hug him, I wanted to say hi but I no longer have the courage to do that. I kept my head down. While I could feel him looking at me and I could feel the wanting to speak to each other we didn’t. His now wife used to be my best friend. The kind you never imagined losing. Sadly we did part ways when I moved to Arizona. None the less we swam and all had a great time. I mean we spent the day by water how could we not?

We then headed into town for some ice cream and a little down time. Coming home Ares was really excited to see us. Let him out cleaned a bit and put Jaydee to bed. I thought for sure I would be tired but TikTok took over as usual.

If you don’t know what TikTok is go download it! I made so many videos tonight. It’s a way to get things out, a lot like this blog. I enjoy doing it. It’s something mindless but also can connect you with all different people from all over the world.

Of course come midnight I check my memories on Snapchat and Facebook-5 years ago I was put on some medication for a complicated medical problem. When I started it I thought I was fine until I ended up locked in my bedroom with a gun. I started to have a side effect of hallucinations. I know working in the medical field it is possible at any time to have any one of the million side effects listed but most of the time they are rare. I thought someone was in my house. I was certain there was a man in my living room. I thought I was crazy. I lived not more than a block from the prison. I called in asking if a inmate had escaped because I was certain one was in my house. Thankfully I had some of the best captains to the field. Minutes later they had sent a captain and a officer to my house. They came in and assured me that the house was clear and I could come out. They took the gun with them for safe keeping while getting me to the hospital so they could administer a counting act drug to stop the Hallucinations. They sat with me for the next few hours while I came off the drug. Not once did they make me feel crazy or awkward that my co-workers just saw me in the weirdest state. They just wanted to make sure I was ok. Working there my co-workers became my family and I sure do miss that job.

In Arizona he made a “joke” about how he didn’t sign up for my sickness. I always have something wrong and it seemed to become a burden to him. It made me feel like if I was healthy he would have never left. In reality I have one thing wrong with me. A bad thyroid but anyone knows that a bad thyroid can actually lead to over 300+ medical problems. Your thyroid is what controls most of your body. Little did I know towards the end I was growing a mass on my thyroid that has now only gotten bigger. A bad thyroid can cause PCOS, it can be the cause of miscarriage, acne problems, weight gain, sadness, anxiety, depression, coldness, headaches, gallbladder issues, itchy skin, diabetes, hair loss, physical pain when someone touches you, random anger episodes , joint and muscle pain. All those problems because my thyroid sucks ass. Medication is great when you are on the right dose. If you are lucky enough and you have Hashimotos like me your thyroid works when it wants and doesn’t work when it wants. Making being on medication nearly impossible.

After that comment it makes me want to hide away. It makes me never want to put someone through the pain or burden of having to be with someone because they are sick.

I was always willing to take care of him. Weather it was running to the store for the things he needed. Making him a bath or making sure he was ok in the bath. I was always there when he was sick and to think that because I was sick it became a burden.

I wish I had the answers of what he really thought. I wish I could trust in the things he told me. I no longer know what was true and what wasn’t and I think that is the worst of all. If one day I receive a letter spelling out what I hope was all the truth in everything I don’t know if I could bring myself to read it. I would do anything to have the words written out to me moment by moment but somethings are just not going to happen because this isn’t a perfect world.

I am finally off to bed (hopefully) I hope everyone had a great Monday and while it’s just past midnight into Tuesday here-everyone have a great day!

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