I debated if I wanted to post today. I usually have something on my mind or to talk about. I am kind of blah today. I slept most of the day away then took my son and a friend to see the new lion king movie. It was lots of fun.
Laying in bed tonight my phone sent a reminder that I have used a lot of space. I have been meaning to go though and delete photos, texts and videos that I no longer need.
I have videos that my in home camera recorded and saved on my phone. I have been meaning to delete them but every time I get to them I get pissed. They are videos of him talking to her. Calling her babe IN OUR HOME! The camera would sense motion and start recording. Packing away for his wonderful weekend away with someone else shutting the door behind him and Zeus and leaving the home he had. I am glad that he was never dumb enough to actually bring her into the home even though he pushed for it one time. That then was the lowest of low. He tried to buy my son and me a hotel room so he could bring his secret into the home. Where my son slept. Where my things were. I don’t know what he thinking during this whole time. Was it out of spite? Did he hate me that much to just wanted to hurt me as much as possible? Did he just never think about me or my son?
These are the things that still anger me. That still get under my skin. There are many stages of losing someone and I got back and forth between sadness and anger. (Hormones I hear my dad saying)
I have my own secrets from those times and while I have always wanted to open up and talk there is no point anymore. I never got the truth. I was told time and time again “You are so wrong about everything” but never told what or how. It’s frustrating. It’s overwhelming. It’s mind fucking bullshit.
It’s time I put it in the past and with the box was step one but I’m taking my steps slow. I’m not forcing myself because if I do I will combust at all the wrong time. Not talking to him is step two and for the most part I’m doing ok. About a dozen times I start to write and I get it all out and delete shortly after. There is no reason to start a fight or try to get him to help. There is no reason to continue to remind myself that he no longer cares or to continue to hurt myself. I can stop doing it to myself. One day maybe he will grow up and see it all but only time will tell.
I am off to bed because work comes early.