It so hush hush to talk about ones depression. In this world we are taught to keep our sadness in. To wake up happy and just enjoy your day. Older people don’t understand because no one ever talked about it in their day. Other people don’t understand if they never had the chemical imbalance.
Postpartum depression is the worst. You can get it from your bodies quick change in hormones. Also known as the baby blues. I first got it when I had my son almost ten years ago. I didn’t want to tell anyone but thankfully I opened up to my doctor. You can get it when you have a miscarriage and it can stay with you for a long time.
When I was in Arizona I sat down at the kitchen table while my son was at the neighbors and wrote a five page suicide note to my dad. I was at a point when I didn’t know what else to do. My mind and body just were no longer working. I never told anyone about it and I clearly didn’t go through with it. I keep it in my purse as a reminder how far I came. It was a low point for me. I knew exactly how I was going to do it, when I was going to do it. I was scared. I didn’t have anyone that I could turn to that could care and help me. I thought about my son and how he would be left with no parents. Would he take care of him? Would he of known what to do if he found me dead and my son wasn’t home? I folder up the letter and put it away. Instead I stood in the shower and cried for what seemed like forever. I was alone in a state that I should have left the year before.
There are days when I still think about it. There are days when I miss him so much. I miss our family. Jaydee misses him. We went to see the lion king yesterday and there is a part when Simba’s dad is talking to him letting him know he will always be there and I could see the look on his face because he has only ever prayed for a dad. He asks questions all the time, he wants to call him, see him, write him and as sad as I get answering to the best of my ability I don’t come near his sadness.
As a parent you try to protect your child and when I decided to stay I felt in my heart and had full belief that I was making the right decision. I had full faith in him being the one that completes our family. I don’t hate him, I don’t wish ill on him, I do wish he would have thought a little more about what he was doing. I wish he would have stayed and seen out the life I could have given him. Maybe he is absolutely happy, maybe she is the one for him but deep down I don’t think this is the life he is going to want. Maybe I’ll be proved wrong and I’ll continue to be happy for him.
Some days I take the anger I have for myself out on him. That I didn’t see it. That I wasn’t better for him. That I messed up somewhere along the line that he thought he had to find something “better”. I’m angry that I didn’t tell him how much I appreciated more. I’m angry that I didn’t say I love you more. I’m angry that I didn’t let the little stuff go. I’m angry that I didn’t trust him more and let him more maybe he would have stayed then. I wish I would have hugged him more, told him he was amazing more, kissed him more.
It’s a roller coaster in my head but one day I hope to settle and be okay. As for now I can’t love again. I can’t let anyone in because that spot is still being held by the one and only man I have loved in my adult life.
Work is done, dog park is in full effect and then off to volleyball. I hope everyone has a great day. I would tell you it gets better but right now I won’t bullshit you because I don’t know when it will.