Truth and fears

I felt this. I am one of those people who is always there for someone no matter the time. They say good guys finish last. Which brings me to

I am so terrified that I will keep finishing last. I am so afraid to put myself out there because I have before and never was the one someone was willing to fight for. Before Skyler I went out on a few dates with James while I never felt anything major for him he played the games. When I decided to give him another chance to seen if I was missing something he was only doing it because the girl he was with got in a fight with him. I never knew that until recent. They have since moved to South Carolina, are getting married and have a baby on the way. I felt jealousy, anger and sadness. When I finally was convinced to try again he ended up married to someone while living with me.

I am afraid so afraid to try again. I don’t want to be the person they use to occupy their time. I don’t want to be the person they sleep with until they figure out their life. I don’t want to try again but I am tired at almost being 30 and not having anyone. To be a single parent because it is exhausting not having someone to tell my day to. To not wake up with in the middle of the night with a sick or hungry child.

I want to be able to reverse time. I don’t know how far back because I don’t know where it went wrong. What if I never met them would I be ok? What if I didn’t pick Skyler would I be happy? Would I be pain free? Would I still have lost a baby? Would I have had someone to hold me?

The pain isn’t going away and I fall asleep at night thinking about him. If he is okay, happy and healthy. I fall asleep thinking of Jaydee and how he is feeling. I wonder if Ares misses him as much as I do. I wonder if he thinks of me and the choices he made or if he is just continuing with his life like I never existed, like we never existed.

Some days I prefer the angry open minded Kelsey because it is a feeling other then sadness. I want to jump off this never ending emotional marry go round. I won’t force these feelings away because I have seen what it has done to others when they push them down and ignore them. I have to get them out and feel them. My therapist told me to write in a journal everyday what I am feeling the thoughts that I have. Well I am doing that but in a way the whole world is reading and hopefully someone out there is reading and thinking to themselves I’m not alone in this, that there is someone else in the world going through what I am.

I may not have my shit together right now and maybe it’s just because what my body is dealing with in itself but regardless I am always willing to put it aside and help anyone of you at any time.

It was a long work day followed by dog park and volleyball. I may just be a tad over tired but I hope everyone had a great day and tomorrow is FRIDAY!

Night loves!

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