Wonder.

Why is it so hard to tell the truth for some? Why do we keep things in that need to be said?

I personally have a fear of speaking my mind.

  1. I can’t stand confrontation
  2. I am afraid of losing someone over silly things
  3. I have been silenced one to many times

I have had so many lies told to me that I have lost site of what is real and what is fake. Why not tell the truth? Why not let it all out? Why not answer someone’s questions?

Living in a small town people talk. They like to spread rumors and talk about others because they get bored with their lives or they want to cover up what is really going on in theirs. I will never understand it.

As I have gotten older I come to realize I want true and honest people in my life. I want people to open up and say how they are feeling, what they really think not what they think I want to hear. I don’t want people to purposely hurt me but I want truth, respect and love.

If you need someone tell me. If something is going on and you need help tell me. If you think something fine don’t hold it in tell me. If you have a question don’t hold it in, ASK ME!

I don’t like losing people in my life. It kills me to the core. It is the worst feeling in this world. I will put all I have into any relationship, friendship anyone that when they just walk away they take a part of me. Piece by piece I have been picked away at.

I think when people hold their thoughts/feelings in it makes them a coward. When they can’t admit the truth to themselves it makes for a miserable life.

Yesterday was eye opening and while I may have gained a little ground tomorrow is going to go way or another. It is a fragile situation that needs to be handled with a open mind. I need to have a clear head and think about really everything I am trying to do and everything that has happened.

My mind never stops and it’s something I have tried working very hard on. Being someone who just wants answers to their questions but never getting them is hard. Some days it makes me sick, literally physically sick.

To think that people in this world are abused mentally and physically. Raped, beat up, murdered, and have disorders that they have no control over is tough to wonder why these things happen.

From my memories on Facebook today.. I wrote 5 years ago today….

In the past few years of my life I have learned that you cant be liked by everyone. Your going to be judge and it is their goal to make you feel bad.

“When someone makes you feel bad remember there is nothing wrong with you. It is them normal people don’t go around destroying other lives.”

I have grown up a lot in the past 4 years of my life. Some say it is because I became a mom and some say it is because I have left high school behind and became an adult out in the real world. Me…I think it is because of my past and the life I had that has made me who I am. Being mean is not ok. Don’t get me wrong I have had my fair share of fights from little arguments with best friends to full blown fights that landed me in jail. At a young age I expressed my feelings through anger I fought any girl that crossed me. Weather they were talking about my family, friends, Son or William. Getting in fights with people was my life and I knew that if I didn’t stop someone could have seriously gotten hurt. The fight that ended it all really hit home for me when I injured a girl badly because she decided to make fun of my autistic son. I should have walked away and I should have let it go. Some people cant control their mouths and I thought by hurting her it would make the pain I felt for my son go away. My son is bright and very smart. He will be starting school this fall and I have so much pride when I say he is my son. I have raised him and he is polite and sweet to others around him. When he sees me cry he doesn’t understand why people can be mean. He says that he is never going to be mean because it hurts people.

When I entered the job I have now as a correctional officer in the Wisconsin department of corrections I never knew what I was getting into there are some mean people out there that hurt others for no reason. It is NOT ok to say hurtful things to others because you are angry. I don’t care what your age is. If my four year old son knows better you know better!! Being a bully is not cool. It does not make you feel better I will promise you that one day you will look back and wish you handled it all better. If you are having issues with someone LET IT GO because you can find new friends continuing to be a bitch is not going to get them back. You never want to get a call saying someone has killed themselves because they were being picked on. And for everyone sitting there reading this and saying to yourself they just need to grow up and get thicker skin it does not work that way.! You don’t know their life you don’t know what they go home to. Some can smile all the time until they get home. You would never know the pain and hurt they endure every day of their lives.

I stand against bullies and I will say something weather you are 4 or 70. I will use my mouth and let you know you are wrong.

I am only 24 and I have found great friends and family to care about me and listen when I need help. I am not afraid to ask for help anymore. I am not ashamed to know when I need to go to someone and ask for help. I have had a rough life as has others so I am not making it out that I have had it worse but I know now I don’t have to be alone as you don’t either.

Getting a call this afternoon saying I yet again have to go to a funeral because a old friend has hung herself. I have not talkin to her in years but the pain still hurts. I cant be there for everyone but I can say that weather you know me or not I will listen I will help because having someone anyone helps. I never want my son to be hurt. I know it will happen and when it does I will be there to help.

Being a bully is not ok. Saying mean things is not ok. I don’t care if your young. GROW UP AND BE NICE! It is not hard to walk away and not say nothing at all.

5 years ago I said I wasn’t afraid to ask for help and here I am again not wanting to because I am afraid to be a burden. I worked so hard to get out of where I was and to where I wanted to be. I focused and did everything I could to be happy. Unfortunately since 2018 I have fallen back into being scared, hurt, sad. I know what would fix it all. I know exactly what I need but sadly I don’t get the answers to my questions. I gets sorry from everyone but sorry isn’t a answer it’s a way out.

I hope the projects I am working on come to light. I’m at a point to do more then a blog. I am ready to speak. First step has been getting over my fear of talking to crowds. It’s coming together slowly but hey I least stand in a crowed room now!

Like I said before I don’t know where my life is going right now but as long as I have children, friends and family I am doing okay.

I hope everyone had a great relaxing Sunday I know we sure did!

3 thoughts on “Wonder.

  1. Couldn’t agree more! I never understand why people do not tell the truth, usually their excuse is “I wasn’t sure how you’d react”. Of course we are going to react worse if we find out someones been lying!

    Liked by 1 person

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