This is the picture that hangs on my wall above my bed. I got it when I moved into my new house. Little did I know how much meaning it would come to be.
Today we went to go do school registration and while we don’t have a school for my son yet and it has come to be a little stressful we have great people around us supporting our decisions. There are quite a few schools he can go to here and unfortunately because we were still in Arizona during the open enrollment time we may not get into the best school if they don’t have room for him. I am sure in the end it will work itself out but for now we are just hoping and praying for the best.
After having a conversation this morning I have seemed to settle a bit. While I am still trying my hardest to understand some things sometimes being silent just doesn’t work. Sometimes you have to be honest and speak true and clear for someone to understand. Weather they understand or not is something they have to also be open and honest about. I don’t like gray areas I am a very black and white person along with my son. I don’t like hidden things. I don’t like not understanding things. I don’t like when I feel someone is only doing something for their benefit or feel like I am being played again. I don’t like the uneasy feeling that comes with not being able to trust someone or believe in what they are saying. I don’t like the feeling that there is some hidden agenda in a simple conversation.
I am a true and honest person. I will stand my ground in something I really believe in. I will help others and keep the same morals and integrity I was raised with.
In a perfect world my life would go back to the way it was last March. I was so happy and so hopeful for my future. I slept through the night and didn’t have nightmares. I was energetic and loving. I smiled all the time and laughed most of my days. I saw the good and worked through the bad. I enjoyed each day as it came. I would do anything to get that back. I know this will pass and I will have more great days and I am sure I will get back to being that woman. I am 65 lbs smaller than I was then. I look great, I love my body and everything about it. I could use a bigger ass but who doesn’t. I have way longer hair and a clearer face. I work a great job making almost double then what I did in Arizona. I have started projects and have been able to spend time with my family and friends. I love all of that each thing has come because one door closed. Its just that little bit when I am sitting at a fire or have great news or laying in bed that I miss who my person was that I went to with all that.
When I got back I started seeing someone. He was great or so I thought. While most of the time he was good I could see that he was starting to pull away. I wasn’t ready to be touched and I was very open and honest about that. In the start that was fine but as time went on he got mad. The day I told him to leave was the day he told me that I was to damaged and if I couldn’t let him touch me because what some pathetic loser did to me then I didn’t deserve him. I needed to start giving him attention and I needed to start now. I told him to leave. The look on his face said it all. He walked out my door and I deleted him from everything. There isn’t a time limit on healing. It took me 8 years with William, I don’t expect this to go any quicker.
If anyone ever tells you, you need to get over something show them the door. They don’t know what you are feeling, unless they were there they don’t know the truth. They can go and if they can’t understand or at least try to understand and help you then they don’t need to be in your life. Easy said when typing I know.
If something is wrong, If something happens to you and no one is listening when you reach out or no one believes you or you feel overwhelmed by everything going on- Reach out to me. I will fight for you, I will fight with you, I will be your voice when yours just doesn’t seem to work. I didn’t have that. When I needed someone I didn’t have someone fighting for me or fighting with me. I am one strong human and if I can make it though this life that I have been dealt you best believe I will be able to carry the weight of fighting for you too. You don’t have to do it alone.
I am off to shower because after the huge storm today….IT IS HUMID!
I hope everyone has a great day!