It’s hard.

It’s hard to see all my friends having babies or getting married.

I want to be happy for them, I am happy for them but I’m sad. Sad that I have lost myself. Sad that I don’t want to ever try again being with someone. I’m scared that I can get attached to someone and in the blink of a eye they could be gone forever. No words, no updates, no how are you, no I’m doing fine. Everything just gone.

I’m sad that just before my 30th birthday I have decided to only have one child. I have decided to be single for the remainder of my life. I’m sad that I have no want or need to bring someone else into my life. I have no want or need to bring someone else into my sons life.

It hurts how broken I am. How I look at myself in the mirror and think about how I just can not do it again. I can not be broken again because my body, my mind could literally not take it.

It hurts that the one person who had the choice to help me, fix me didn’t. At night I feel so alone, during the day my anxiety has become almost uncontrollable. I can’t stop my mind and at times running through a list of the possible ways to stop it.

I will never understand how someone, how the two of them could do what they did and be ok with it. I don’t know if I will ever be able to trust again, to love again, to be ok again.

I have been a little quiet because I just don’t know what to talk about. My mind has been consumed by the thoughts and fears of my future. I go from being content to full blown panic attacks.

So much has changed about me. Some of my favorite things are no longer favorites. I lost my love for music, movies, food and things that made me- me.

Days come and go but this hurt seems to stay.

One thought on “It’s hard.

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