I received the news that I am no longer on an expensive loan for a truck I never got to drive. I am no longer in fear of my future by being screwed over. I am not longer the co-signer on a truck that they will ride in together.
I am free of my past. I cried today on my drive home. I cried and hard. I cried when I got home. I cried while eating dinner, I cried in the shower and I cried laying in bed.
I signed those papers with a future in mind. I sat in that dealership and watched my son with his favorite human ring a bell when we added four wheels to our family. We had a new puppy, we were adding a safe vehicle. I signed those damn papers with a future in mind.
He signed them with nothing in mind but what he wanted. I miss him. I miss him so freaking much. I want him to care, I want him to miss us, I want him to ask how we are. I want him to keep one of his freaking promises of staying friends.
I am destroyed. I am hurt. I am messed up physically and emotionally. I am in pain, I am anxious and depressed.
If you ask anyone around me they would tell you I am fine, I am happy, I have moved on because that is what I am supposed to do. That is what everyone tells me to do.
I am so mentally drained today. I am tired. My body hurts, my brain is fried.
Therapy only goes so far. If only they could find a way to wipe out your mind.
Just a decent human- with morals, respect, care- is that so much to ask for? Is that so hard?