Clear.

Today at the age of 30 I finalized my will. Who thinks of this stuff at this age? Well I do when I have to. You have to make sure the everything, I mean everything is in order in the event you are no longer aloud to make decisions.

Everything that goes into a will is a crazy amount of detail. I went through everything from my money to my debit to my dog to my children. I made decisions on things I own and what to do with them. I wrote fourteen letters that in the event I don’t make it they are to be sent out. I made painful choices on where my dog and son will go. I listed people of who will take care of my money until my children are old enough to receive it.

It has been a draining weekend but one I am ready to put behind me. I grow a little more each day. I stop thinking a little less each day of him. I stop my mind from going back to that time a little more each day. I allow all my pain to leave me bit by bit. I am learning to see the now and enjoy what I have right now. I have amazing people that surround me and are near when I need them the most. I do still cry, I do still miss him and I don’t think that will ever go away no matter what I do.

I lost a best friend in him. I lost who I loved and it sucks. Plain and simple it down right sucks. I am at the point I will always be here if one day he needs me but I will no longer reach out. I will no longer wish and pray for him to realize what I meant to him.

I am scared being 30. It absolutely terrifies me that I don’t have time. Everyday seems to move so fast now. I have survived 100% of my worst days. I have lived and I will continue to push, work my ass off and live through all of my next worst and best days.

I hope everyone has a great day. I am tired and ready for bed.

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