Wow it has been almost a month since I have sat down and wrote anything. That because I seem to be living in a fantasy land where everything is perfect or that is how I would like to see it.
Do you ever just sit there and think yes this is it, what I have been waiting for. Everything is going great because you ignore all the wrong feelings because you just don’t want to believe that you are going to hurt yourself all over again.
You take a step back because you are to afraid to say the things you want to say in fear of pushing to far or starting a fight that you really don’t want to be in. You suck it all in and have mental breakdowns without anyone knowing because heaven for bid something bothers you and you are able to talk about it without it turning into something more.
My life has been a crazy ride the last month. I met someone and dealt with a roller coaster that I knew to get off before putting my self in a position I knew I couldn’t handle. I had a dozen doctor appointments that ended with me having surgery in my neck, I am so glad the surgery went well and I am starting to feel so much better then I have in the last year. I have spent endless hours with family and friends figuring out my life as best as I have been able to.
Sometimes I wish there was a big arrow or sign just telling me what path to take and what to along with what not to do. I am well aware that life just can’t be that easy and fair. I have hopes and dreams and I have my fantasy world because sometimes day dreaming about how I want my life to be is easier then thinking of how things are actually going. Is that where my anxiety and fear stem from? Is that what sets me up for failure or unrealistic expectations of other humans? Am I just stupid or “nice” to see when I am being used for ones benefit?
I thought for sure by 30 I would have this all figured out by now. Maybe its this time of the year that I always start to go down hill. I need to break that cycle.
I have joined support groups and continue with my therapy but really maybe it is me that causes my own pain because what I want and what I need might not be the same anymore.
If anyone has any input on life I am here to listen.
I hope everyone has a great Thanksgiving and all my readers that are stationed overseas I am thinking of you as you can not be with your family during this time. Keep pushing through and come home safe.