Life has been crazy. I have been a mess.

Working a lot- on Monday I took a shift in labor and deliver. I watched and helped with three babies to come into this world. In a week will be one year since my heart stopped, since my body shut down. One year since the loss of a baby. My baby. The baby I should be holding and enjoying their first Christmas with. A baby that I prayed for.

Even to this day the pain is still in my heart. Seeing those mothers so happy when they held their baby for first time was hard but seeing those fathers so excited to become daddies. To want to be there for every moment of the day. To say congratulations daddy let the next chapter begin. To see them kiss the mommies and tell them how much they love them and how strong, proud of them they are.

It has been one hell of a year. One that I seemed to have continued to get the heartache out of. You want to be there for someone during a hard time but there is a fine line between being there as a friend and being there as more. That’s someone else job now. That is what a wife is for. I say I’m sorry and I take myself out. There’s a fine line I can’t cross and I’m learning my place.

Holidays are hard. I’m not a fan of the end of the year. Mainly because every major horrible event I have had in my life has happened at the end of the year.

My grandpa passed away- October

The person I thought I was going to be with forever left- November

Lost a Child- December

My first love in life passed away- December

While 10 years ago I got the best gift in life this month it never seems to get easier.

Each day I get up. I’m lonely, I’m tired, I’m broken but damnit I get up and I move through each day as best as I can.

Right now I’m confused and don’t know what to do with life, choices, friendships or really anything. I feel blank, like I’m waiting for something that isn’t coming.

One day it’s going to click but man my patience is running low.


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