Where’s the light

I can’t see the end of this tunnel.

It’s been one year since my heart stopped. One year ago I was taken to the hospital in a ambulance, thinking I ruined Christmas for my son. One year and no one has asked me if I’m ok. One year and I’m still alone in the situation of losing a baby.

All it takes is a beautiful fake smile

To hide a broken soul

They will never notice

How injured she really is

She had her innocence taken away

And yet she becomes the protector

To see the look in their eyes

Is a site she can’t bare

So she suffers in silence

It takes a special kinda strength

To carry so much weight

Pain, fear and all that sorrow

She is surrounded by people

and yet she is alone

She covers herself up

Her scars of pain

Cant withstand the sun light

The shame of what she has done

And yet the cut she craves

She looks in the mirror

The stranger standing in front of her

Looks so sad and broken

Tears streaming down her face

This is the new her

A vicious cycle

Of terror, shame and self hate

She’s so overwhelmed

Her head is barley above water

And yet all she can do is put on

The beautiful fake smile.

Over the next two days I will get dressed and carry my pain within, like I have done for the last 365 days. I have become so angry these last few days. Angry and hateful. Why do the ones that destroy others get to live on and be happy? Why do I have to suffer alone in this when it took two to make the little one.

I hold it in because I no longer want to fight. I know what is coming and I don’t want to protect anymore because then I could be interrupting ones karma. However not to ask if I’m ok or to even remember the day is terrible but everything you wanted you got. I didn’t have to do it but I did and now I’m regretting it because that’s all you wanted.

I hope everyone has a great Christmas!

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