There is no Arizona.

As I sit around the pool back where it all started I am feeling all sorts of stuff.

It’s weird being here, seeing the houses and not sure what to think. We have been here for 24 hours and I am at a loss of words. It seems I have started to think I may have never loved him. Is it I just wanted a family and someone to love me? Is it maybe I am starting to see he never loved me?

He has made it very clear he is never coming back. So is this a good thing that maybe I am finally seeing the truth in it all? I mean if he is never coming back why not roll with it and not dig into finding out how I have really felt all this time.

I said I love you before and I never say that just to say it, so I must have right? I have dreamt more then I can count about a family, a wedding and a life with him. I have planned and stayed up late at night thinking about if he would ever come back, if I would ever hear his sweet voice saying I love you one more time.

He is my best friend and while I may not be the same to him, I may mean nothing to him, he means the world to me. Its weird that the person who destroyed who I am as a person, is the person I want to tell my day about for the rest of my life.

If it was my world she would never move, she would stay where she belongs and I would be the one he came home to. It would be us making a family, buying a house and living out this confusing life. If I want all that, that must mean I love him right? Maybe I just love the man I thought he could be or the man I have in my mind.

I miss him so much that sometimes it hurts. How can I miss someone that much that probably doesn’t sit and think about me or a future with me?

All around it has been a very confusing day but I am ready to see where this week brings me.

As always stay happy and healthy 🤍

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